baby steps

On Saturday we had a fun night out with lots of friends. Happy hour followed up by games, our kind of night-we really had a blast and it was great to connect. We hadn't rsvp until the night before because while Haneul has done so well I was still concerned about leaving her with someone she didn't know. One of Dave's former volleyball players, who has watched Beniah in the past, came and watched the kids at our house (I think she was honored that she was the first sitter to watch her!). So far we've only left her at nursery at church and one other night with a family friend who shes been around a lot. When we leave, I make a point of saying "hug and a kiss" and good bye to both the kids-sneaking out has never done well for us. I thought she might cry when we left, but instead she gave us a slightly startled look when both Dave and I said, "bye bye.". Our sitter texted us midway through dinner to say "no tears so far!" and we were relieved.

That is, until bedtime came and we got a text, "Shes been crying for awhile." My heart stopped. We quickly said our good byes and I felt like Dave was taking his sweet time driving home. I ran upstairs and walked into her room. She was sitting on the sitter's lap and was gasping for air. She had stopped crying, but her heart was still beating quickly and each gasp for breath hurt my heart a little. She eased into my arms and slowly she relaxed. I reached for her current favorite book (Happy Hippo, Angry Duck) and she waited, while smiling, for me to read her favorite part ("can you sadly say, cluck cluck").

The past couple nights she has woke up more than usual and I feel like I hear more fear in her cry. (These reactions are typical compared to other adoptive families I've talked to recently.) But the silver lining in this heart break is that little by little her connection with us has grown.