the cloud of the Lord

warning: random emotional rambling ahead

we got news last week that we will not be able to travel until after the start of the new year. our initial timeframe was presented as november - february, and like i've done this entire process i began planning for the "long shot": february. don't get me wrong-i would have LOVED to see her come home sooner, but i wanted to prepare myself (and our family) to wait and if it happened sooner that would be great! but then we received some news that lead me to believe, hey this might actually happen before the end of the year! we were truly excited. there was our mistake. we got our hopes up. and it really was disappointing to hear that we will have to wait more and possibly even longer than february.

today our little girl is turning one.

the one year birthday is a big deal in korea. on beniah's 1st birthday we did a ceremony similar to what a child would experience. and it was hard enough knowing we wouldn't be able to provide that for H as well-at least not on her actual first birthday. but i also worry that the transition will be more difficult as she ages.

in all honesty the transition is scaring me beyond belief. i've known what to expect throughout this process: paperwork, raise some money, wait, more paperwork, more money, more and more waiting... but i've become more and more anxious about the transition (mostly because) it is completely out of my control. some parts of the process are out of my control as well (like waiting on paperwork from korea), but the transition of bringing her home and us becoming a family involves real people and real emotions. scary stuff if you ask me. i've been reading toddler adoption and i find myself putting the book down every so often while my heart aches for these moments to come.

over the weekend i've gradually come to accept that God's timing is perfect. just this morning i was reminded how He leads, directing us, and is with us when things are moving or are standing still.

"Then the cloud covered the Tent of Meeting, and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle. Moses could not enter the Tent of Meeting because the cloud had settled upon it, and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle. In all the travels of the Israelites, whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift, they did not set out-until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the Lord was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels."
exodus 40:34-38