I think I have to start back in September of 2013, at Retreat de Moxie. While being surrounded by women who longed to hear from Jesus, I was overwhelmed in how God's faithfulness was so very real to me. He had watched over my family and lead us to Second Mile. To a community to help us heal, learn to love again, and slowly learn to trust again. During the retreat we sang "Oceans" for the first time and it made my stomach ache.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon these waters, where ever You will call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the Presence of my Savior.
I couldn't sing those words with as much boldness as I wanted to that weekend. Did I really long to be lead where my trust is without borders? This trust God demands seemed beyond what I could bear.
The song kept haunting me and I couldn't help but lean into it. I could see how clearly God had lead our family faithfully even through our darkest valley yet. And so I gave in.
On September 25, 2013 I wrote, "At the retreat I was fearful of singing Oceans-did we really understand the depth of our request? Spirit lead me so far past anything I know and recognize to where I need to trust You in a new way. I am fearful that would equate to what we went through upon leaving Revolution. But, here in this moment, looking back I realize that I am grateful for the pain, the agony, and the journey of uncertainty because it has brought me here. My trust in God amounts to more than I ever imagined possible. The trial tested my faith at the core. Am I ready for a test of that magnitude again? Only if God is leading."
Three days later, on September 28th, my dad shot himself.
It's almost been six months since he died. And while I still have hard days, full of tears and heartache, I know God prepared my heart for this season. My trust in Him is fully assured and I lean into His promises on days when I don't know what else to do but cry. It is truly painful to be a survivor of suicide, but I continue to see that my God is leading me.
If God is real, then I will lean into Him, during all seasons of life. Though I may not understand my present sufferings, I must hold fast to the promise, that my God leads.
If God is real, then I will hold onto the hope given to me through Jesus. Hope is powerful and truly comes alive in the trenches.
If God is real, then I will dismiss the lie that I am just a survivor of suicide. But instead hold onto the truth that I am first and foremost a child and daughter of God, whom He loves unconditionally and cares for faithfully.
During our IF:Local gathering I was able to reflect back on the last six months and see how my faith had kept me out of the depths of darkness that follows suicide, and into His presence that pierces any darkness. This doesn't mean that my journey has not been painful, full of regret of things unsaid, or without worry. My journey will continue to be a mixture of those things, but because my foundation is in the promises provided to me in scripture, I know that it will be my God who prevails and lifts me up out of the mud and mire.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1 KJV
