A Weekend Among Men: Commissioning my Son

I didn't want my son to get hurt, but I wanted every guy there to pucker up a little bit. Inspired by the land diving harvest ritual of the Vanuatu islanders, young men could travel up to 45 miles per hour jumping head first off a crude wooden structure they built up to 100 feet high. Naturally only a few volunteers were brave enough to scale the tower and tie vines around the platform and then to their ankles before making the plunge. 

Many cultures still practice rights of passage for boys into manhood, these practices are often set to show courage, endurance and the ability to control one’s emotions.  I wanted this for Beniah and his 13th birthday was the right time to mark his journey into manhood. I want him to start testing and stretching himself, to know that I trust him and that he can always trust me. Ultimately however, the purpose of this weekend tucked off the edge of the Mogollon Rim was to present the idea of manhood. A manhood that is not passive and not abusive but strong, loving and selfless. To accomplish this Beniah would be surrounded by men who would model and speak that balance into his life. 

My hope for Beniah has always been that he will not shy away from challenges, that he would be encouraged to take risks as opportunities arise and that he would follow God’s call on his life, that he would not be lured by the temptations of this world but by the calling of the Spirit. 

This is how Beniah got his name. The Benaiah from the old testament was a great warrior known for heroic exploits (2 Samuel 23:20-23), specifically in taking risks to do what is right. Benaiah also happened to be the head of David’s bodyguard. On one occasion Benaiah went down into a pit on a snowy day to kill a lion. Now, it doesn’t say why Benaiah did this but I imagine it had something to do with his job of protecting others.

Although there are not many Mountain Lions in the Apache-Sitgreaves National Forest, he would end up experiencing physical, mental and emotional feats. If we did end up facing a lion however, it would be Beniah's job to protect us, but he wouldn't do it empty handed. Therefore we formally started the weekend with a gift, a Benchmade 533 Mini Bugout customized by Brad Southard with spin free washers, an orange G10 handle and 2 Samuel 23:20 engraved on the blade. This is a knife Beniah has obsessed over for years.

The weekend would be full of many manly activities: poker, running, board games, hiking, kayaking on the lake, Braveheart (Beniah's first R rated movie), a foosball tournament (which goes without say as to who won...it was me and Beniah. Beniah and I won), drinking beer and bourbon (I even had a little too). One of the unexpected highlights was when a pack of wild horses wondered through the property.

With all the fun, I feel if any of the men on this trip were asked, they would point to the intentional time speaking words of truth into Beniah's life and praying for him as the thing to be remembered. Around the fire Saturday night each man took a minute to encourage and charge my son into the journey of manhood, then boil those words down into one or two and write that word on his chest to take down the mountain with him. Although I would love to share all the uplifting words that were spoken, I would not do them justice from memory. What I do remember and so does Beniah, is each word inscribed on his chest.

Responsibility

Community

Be True

Show Up

Wisdom

Joy

Creative

Selflessness

Then Sunday night, laying our hands by the fire and praying, surrounded by his uncles, mentors and grandfather was  beautiful. My father has not left my mothers side in months due to the cancer, but mom insisted that he be on this mountain with us. I thank God she was stable enough for him to even consider making the trip and I am continually astonished by her selflessness. 

To close, I shared some parting words of wisdom adapted from Rules for my Unborn Son (included below) and an image to illustrate that each and every one of these guys had Beniah's back in any situation. And if he ever got himself in a tough spot he did not feel he could tell mom and dad about, well then, his phone call needed to go to Uncle Phil or Uncle Steve. So I announced he would be doing a trust fall, off the edge of the deck. It wasn't quite land diving but it was the response I was looking for.  

Rules for my Unborn Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. Don’t enter a pool by the stairs.

3. The man at the BBQ Grill is the closest thing to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Request the late check-out.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.

8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.

9. Play with passion or not at all…

10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye.

11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where your backbone should be.

12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.

13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her.

14. You marry the girl, you marry her family.

15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath.

16. Experience the wonder of traveling abroad and engaging with other cultures.

17. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room.

18. Never turn down a breath mint.

19. A sport coat is worth 1000 words.

20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising.

21. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him.

22. Eat lunch with the new kid.

23. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.

24. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win.

25. Manners maketh the man.

26. Give credit. Take the blame.

27. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those bullied.

28. Write down your dreams...then go for them.

29. Always protect your siblings (and teammates).

30. Be confident and humble at the same time.

31. Call and visit your parents often. They miss you.

32. Focus on the eternal. 

If God is real, then...

I think I have to start back in September of 2013, at Retreat de Moxie. While being surrounded by women who longed to hear from Jesus, I was overwhelmed in how God's faithfulness was so very real to me. He had watched over my family and lead us to Second Mile. To a community to help us heal, learn to love again, and slowly learn to trust again. During the retreat we sang "Oceans" for the first time and it made my stomach ache.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon these waters, where ever You will call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the Presence of my Savior.

I couldn't sing those words with as much boldness as I wanted to that weekend. Did I really long to be lead where my trust is without borders? This trust God demands seemed beyond what I could bear.

The song kept haunting me and I couldn't help but lean into it. I could see how clearly God had lead our family faithfully even through our darkest valley yet. And so I gave in.

On September 25, 2013 I wrote, "At the retreat I was fearful of singing Oceans-did we really understand the depth of our request? Spirit lead me so far past anything I know and recognize to where I need to trust You in a new way. I am fearful that would equate to what we went through upon leaving Revolution. But, here in this moment, looking back I realize that I am grateful for the pain, the agony, and the journey of uncertainty because it has brought me here. My trust in God amounts to more than I ever imagined possible. The trial tested my faith at the core. Am I ready for a test of that magnitude again? Only if God is leading."

Three days later, on September 28th, my dad shot himself.

It's almost been six months since he died. And while I still have hard days, full of tears and heartache, I know God prepared my heart for this season. My trust in Him is fully assured and I lean into His promises on days when I don't know what else to do but cry. It is truly painful to be a survivor of suicide, but I continue to see that my God is leading me.

If God is real, then I will lean into Him, during all seasons of life. Though I may not understand my present sufferings, I must hold fast to the promise, that my God leads.

If God is real, then I will hold onto the hope given to me through Jesus. Hope is powerful and truly comes alive in the trenches.

If God is real, then I will dismiss the lie that I am just a survivor of suicide. But instead hold onto the truth that I am first and foremost a child and daughter of God, whom He loves unconditionally and cares for faithfully.

During our IF:Local gathering I was able to reflect back on the last six months and see how my faith had kept me out of the depths of darkness that follows suicide, and into His presence that pierces any darkness. This doesn't mean that my journey has not been painful, full of regret of things unsaid, or without worry. My journey will continue to be a mixture of those things, but because my foundation is in the promises provided to me in scripture, I know that it will be my God who prevails and lifts me up out of the mud and mire.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1 KJV

finalization!

The day is finally here. Our "adoption process" is over.

Its crazy to think back on all that we've been through in the past two and a half years while we were bringing Haneul home. Our family experienced significant life changes while "in process". There was joy, happiness, new memories, and new opportunities. But there was also immense pain, anxiety, exhaustion in waiting, and frustration. Through it all our saving grace was we could hear God's voice clearly. Looking back on it now, I can see His plan for our life unfolding perfectly.

As is said often in parenting, the days are long, but the years are short.

While seeing family in Korea we stopped at an adoption office and I gazed into the rows of little babies longing to be held.  I remember begging to start the adoption process soon after Beniah was born, but waited patiently until Dave felt the timing was right. From the homestudy to fingerprints to biometrics appointments, I waded through the paperwork that seemed to never end! Once we got her first set of pictures I memorized every detail of her face and felt a love grow inside of me I never had imagined. Beniah asked time and again when his sister was coming home and it broke my heart to tell him that I didn't know. I longed for our travel call for over a year, but knowing I had to wait on the Lord's timing kept me from going crazy.

Those days were definitely long, but she has been home for almost a full year it has flown by! After our trip to the lake this summer I think we've accomplished all our "firsts" with Haneul. Here's to building many more memories in the years to come!

We were blessed to have friends show up to witness the court hearing. Since it was held on Monday morning the timing did not allow for many people to come. We know you were with us in spirit!

Looking through Haneul's photo books

While waiting our turn Beniah created this masterpiece

Haneul looking through her photobooks. She pointed out her foster family and all of us.

We shared our finalization day with a couple that attended the U of A with us. How fun to see them and share in their celebration!

The courtroom

The hearing was simple-it went over the facts of our names, her name change, and that Haneul would from this day forward seen in the same light as our natural born child. It was to the point, but still brought nearly everyone in the room to tears to hear!

Our social worker attesting to ability to raise Haneul.

During the hearing our social worker asked Beniah if he'd like to tell the Judge anything. We had talked about "going to court" at dinner the night before and tried to explain in 4 year old terms what that meant. Beniah was prepared with a statement and told the Judge, "I want Haneul to be in my family forever and ever." He smiled and responded, "Thank you, I will definitely take that into consideration."

Our judge was fantastic and truly excited!

U of A IV Alum

 We followed the hearing with a lunch celebration and our cousins stopped by for some fun!

whats love

most of my partners (sbux co-workers) are college students and although we are only a few years apart we are definately in different life stages. i love my partners especially since i've started working nights. the coffee business slows down a little at night and i've been able to get to know my partners more and actually talk with them instead of just asking them to get more ice! interestingly enough i've found myself very protective of my partners. when i start to hear about a new guy i'm always the skeptic and happy with them, but none the less hear myself ask the questions that a parent may ask. and i know that i am a mom now-but i realized that i am this way with my friends as well. i am very protective of their hearts and my usual gut reaction is that this person deserves better.

recently, on a night when all girls were working, everyone was sharing and pitching in on other's situations. for the most part i stay out of these conversations. i mean i definately ask questions, but my issues are not the same as theirs. (ie. how do i know if he likes me?) but one of the girls turned to me and said "we should just ask christe, she is in love! what is it like? how did you know?" i got to give my answer and gloat about my husband and since then i feel like "love" has come up in our conversations at work frequently. i've heard people say they don't believe in love, that they love their current boyfriend, or they thought they loved their ex boyfriend but now realize that it wasn't love.

so what is it really? well, in the fear that i wouldn't do an explanation of love justice i'm going to answer by saying ask me in person. :) but i am really excited for a new series we are going to be doing at our church in the coming weeks. i want a new marriage. this series will answer questions like: (taken from my pastor's blog)

how do you prepare for marriage if you aren’t married?
are there things you can do to make your marriage win if you aren’t married?
what do you do if you are in an unhappy marriage?
what does God say about divorce? is it ever okay?
what about lust, adultery?
what if i get hurt, do i need to forgive the person who hurt me, or can i make their life miserable?

no perfect people allowed

creating a come as you are culture in church by john burke

are you a pastor, an elder, a small group leader? do you play or do you ever hope to play any part in any christian ministry? this book is for you.

no perfect people allowed breaks down the barriers that keep the current unchurched generation from church by creating the right culture that leads people to jesus.

i understood prior to this book that the no. 1 thing in america keeping people from christ was christians, but burke eloquently explains that it doesn't have to be that way, he offers practical suggestions to deconstruct barriers and supports those suggestions with compelling real life stories.

the section on "tolerance" stood out to me, specifically chapter 7 what about other religions? tolerance litmus test Q1 and chapter 8 how do you feel about gays? tolerance litmus test Q2

i couldn't possibly pull all the good experts from this book like last time, (this book is at least 3x's longer). what i will do it give you a taste from the first chapter and a taste from the last...then go get this book.

• "What do a Buddhist, a biker couple, a gay-rights activist, a transient, a high-tech engineer, a Muslim, a twenty-somthing single mom, a Jew, a couple living together, and an atheist all have in common? They are the future church in America!"
• With every new culture since, the church has wrestled with how to stay true to the message of Christ without putting cultural barriers up that make it difficult for people to turn back to God. And what we have experienced in our come-as-you-are culture is God's Spirit using the soil we've plowed and watered to cause amazing growth in people."
  

a "year" in review

my life as a teacher moves in peaks and contractions as far as busyness. this last year seemed to be one long peak.

i just got back from our graduation marking the end of an eventful year (sidenote, tim bee was the keynote speaker and was very good). the following are some of what filled up the last nine months of my life:

• my first year teaching high school and prepping for three different classes
• coaching two different volleyball teams
• the birth of my son in august
• joining the elder board at my church which we planted in september
• staff sponsored a christian club at academy
  
• took over running small groups along with my wife in april (sign up here).
  

overall i would say a very difficult but successful year. i made it through teaching five classes five days a week, focusing most of my energy there in planning (about three hours a day), unfortunately this left very little energy for the actual students, maybe the one thing i will regret most about my teaching year. my varsity volleyball team went 20-5-1, missing state by two points in game five of regionals, something i believe may have turned out differently if i could have mustered more energy in that area of my life during the fall.

taking care of my son was maybe the most tiring part of my year but also most rewarding. he has yet to know what it is to sleep through the night.

being on board at revolution has been amazing over this last year, planting a church in september with twenty-some people after an extremely difficult period and watching it flourish into an authentic community that broke 100 in april has been truly rewarding.

with all that said, i laugh when people say, "it must be nice having the summer off". its true, it is nice having the summers off after squeezing 12 months of work into nine and only getting paid for nine. it is nice having summers off until you realize your salary only covers nine month and you need to work over your "vacation". it is nice to have summers off because if i choose i can take a breath, and with that breath this is what i hope to accomplish.

• a quiet time in the bible five days a week
  
• read at least six book
• finish painting the guest room that has been left undone for the last two years
• spend quality time with my son
• revamp my geography class
• be as prepared as i possibly can to take my volleyball team to state and lord-willing win some games
• coach somewhere between 4-9 camps
• take two weeks of real vacation with the family in michigan
  

i learned this year that i hit a max. i learned i want to be great at a few things, my relationship God, my family, my teaching, my coaching and my church leadership. i know five things is pushing it, but i consider myself a high-capacity person. i want to be a person that can be counted on and relied upon to do these things well.

community

i got some interesting reactions when i went back to work at starbucks after having beniah. there are multiple reasons that i chose to return. one being with the economy in the shape that its in i was honestly scared and felt like i needed to hang onto whatever job i had. secondly, it is more economical for me (and beniah) to be covered by starbucks insurance wise as opposed to being on dave’s plan. and lastly..i love working at starbucks. now, let me clarify. there are days when i leave and wonder “WHY ON EARTH AM I DOING THIS?” letting people treat me like i am an idiot or not worth their time. i could post all the horrible things that people say and do to us…but i won’t…it will just make me more bitter. but there are our regular customers who truly care about us too-like phil and colleen who always ask about beniah and the new things happening with him. colleen actually started crying when another partner’s baby was visiting the store and she got to meet him. moments like these are wonderful-people caring about people. but the biggest reason is that i love my partners (co-workers). it has been especially great getting into a regular schedule where i work with the same people over and over again. we are getting to know each other more and more and it makes working through those tough times (w/rude customers) worth it. jeremiah, a co-worker of mine, posted about community found at starbucks recently and i was spurred to post on the same subject. so why am i back at starbucks? because i love my partners!

lookin' out

i have always been a proponent of supporting the local community in whatever way possible. a good way is hitting of ma & pop shops, restaurants, whatever. a couple of my favorite tucson restaurants are rocco's little chicago pizzeria, buddy's grill, kenny d's and el guero canelo.

i am also a firm believer we should spend money wisely. as things get more difficult i hope we keep others in mind...specifically the "little guy". i often default to big box stores and chain restaurants, one because it seems more convenient and two because i feel i'm saving money. i default this way instead of attempting to hook a brotha up. a couple of my brothas are designs in steel and avspecialists@cox.net, for all you metalwork and audio/visual needs.

along with my "brothas" is my daddy...my actual father. he works at a smaller publishing company, intervarsity press, and like many businesses, they have been taking a hit recently. i hate to tell people not to save money by getting used books though amazon, its just something to consider.

if you would like to know more about this publishing house and support it at the same time you can check out heart.soul.mind.strength. by this guy i know.

mlk weekend

mlk weekend has turned into a getaway weekend for us. last year we went down to my dad's in sierra vista and just relaxed..watched both seasons of rome (hbo series), did some wine tasting in elgin, and toured tombstone. it was a great weekend except that during the wine tasting i almost passed out from the smell of this red wine...later i realized i was pregnant and from then on i couldn't even smell red wine! this year we escaped to sedona.

dave has a core group of friends from college and they've gotton together in the past for weekend trips, but this time it was a trip for all families-and it was great. unfortunately, we were only able to stay a day and a half, but the trip up to sedona was worth it. while i understand that the boys like to "get away" and be boys every once in a while, i was excited that they put together a family trip! (wifes are fun too, right?)

some photo highlights..

beniah meeting winston

aunty tiffany reading a book to the boys-love beniah's chunky feet sticking out of the bottom of the book.

a stack of boys..

even though i am an introvert i love being surrounded by community and people..especially people who care about you and treat your family like your own.